Mok

I really miss you, Demok. You've been with me for 2 years since you were born, and one day, you're just gone. You disappeared. You usually come back after a few days - I waited, you know - but you didn't. I didn't know what I should feel that weekend. Heck, I didn't even know what to do if you're not around. I had a bit of hope that you would somehow come home. The babies (you had with Adele), Jeta and Mina, look a lot like you! And so cute, too!

Thank you for everything. You are one in a million, you're special to me. I hope you are well wherever you are currently, mok. We promised each other, right? Be fine and dandy.

PS: Sorry I posted your not-so-baby-anymore-but-still-very-much-a-baby pictures. I just really, really miss you.

When did I change so much?

I am not going to lie. My school years were one of the best years.

That was me back in 2012. Though being super chubby, at least I was really happy. I used to be that girl, and now I've changed. Where did that girl go? I used to be daring, so innocent, and I wrote almost every day, despite having SPM and other things to do. I used to not give a shit, but now I care so much, I think so much. I was busy then, but I did manage to write, to let go and to really feel. I wrote to my best friend, to my parents, to my loved ones and importantly, to myself. I always made it a point to write. Now, not so much, and I find that devastating. 

I know writing is in my veins. Writing make me so happy. I should not stop.

My favorite comment that I got earlier this week was, "Oh and do you blog/write? You have an interesting way of arranging your thoughts. :-)" I just- That made me feel some kind of way, that made me have happy, dancing glitters in my heart.

"I dislike commitments."

But I'm trying.

How do people even stay committed to write and post on their respective blogs daily or weekly or at least, monthly? For God's sakes, my last post was in May. And that's like months ago. If you (had ever) asked, I do write, almost every single day in my personal journal or I'll just jot down on any paper I could find around me. It's good to write, and it feels good! I just- could not just write that freely, here. I'm afraid it's going to be too bizarre or someone's going to get hurt, you know. I'm indecisive, remember? And also quite (very) pessimistic.

Well, since we're on the topic, I'm just going to rant. I started to have a diary back in 2005 when my family moved to Subang Jaya and I had to leave my friends back in Bangi. I was probably quite upset so I started to write. My school in Shah Alam had nice people but I was a kid who took quite a while to adapt to any surrounding. Even until now. Writing helped, it basically saved me. Here's an important advice: Do not ever steal/ read anyone's diary, ever. You see, my diary went missing, and it came back to me (specifically, under my desk) days later. Bits of drama happened here and there, came to find out a close friend was the one who did it. I forgave her though and we're still friends. But anyway, that's not the point. That incident hurt me so much that I stopped having any sort of diary. But I still write, sometimes. I just didn't keep them back then.

I moved back to Kajang after primary school ended and went to SMK Convent Kajang. A friend introduced me to Blogger and that's how I started blogging. 2010 was the year I met Puan N who was an amazing teacher and she was (probably) the main reason that I started to really write again. I've been keeping journals since.

To those who wants to write but does not know how? Just do it. Do it, at your own pace. Write a story. Write poems. Write things that hurt. Whatever. Do it for you. I support you. It's worth the try, I promise. Have a good day.

Hi, blog.

I'm actually back. I just couldn't let go of blogging. It keeps me sane, and fine, and dandy, and well. It's been with me for years, even though I deleted quite a lot. Of course, I doubt anyone reads this anymore, but I'm really back, for good. I hope. For several reasons, mostly personal ones, I just need something to hold on to. To be able to live life.

I had been searching for activities I could do (to kill time and to forget and to forgive my foolish self) and I went completely, entirely bonkers. I hope you're all okay with this. I just want to be happy, to be able to breathe, to be a bit (if not a lot) optimistic on how I view things around me.

I took a full turn and came back here. And I hope you don't mind.